it's been years since my last post. i titled my blog as 'aventuras en guadalajara' thinking that my life would be an adventure just to go get groceries. i was a so bright-eyed and excited about being in mexico. aside from the look of disdain most of us would eventually get from american doctors, i remember being excited about the chance to live my 20's in another country.

i think i'm different person now. or maybe i've always been this person except that i've repressed it for so long. there are so many things i want to write but tonight's post will be about the most recent events: failing my board exam and andrew transferring to another school. andrew and i went through a lot of ups and downs with this decision. i secretly wanted him to choose me over the school. but the reality is that we both need to be doing what's best for ourselves. we know we want to marry but we still need to do what is best to help us reach our goals to become physicians. but i miss him more than i thought i would. i would've never guessed this is where i would be now. i've always known andrew to be a good guy, but i've grown to love him more and more as we get along in our relationship. it's so nice to be loved unconditionally by him. he's seen me in my lows during our 2nd year in school.

as far as the board exam is concerned. i'm upset. i hate saying this but i know my knowledge can run circles around some of the people who have passed (albeit it was there 4th try). i think it was time for me to take a big bite out of a slice of humble pie. my dentist in mexico is a UCSF grad and a christian. she shared her struggles through dental school with me and her spiritual journey through that. i know god knew how this would play out and had friends and family in place for me. and i think he wants me to depend on him.

as far as my emotional state. it was stable for a while but i've been having pretty intense ebbs and flows of debilitating anxiety. it makes me feel scared to even just get out of bed. i had a strange feeling overcome me few weeks ago when i wanted to hurt myself. it was kind of surreal, but it passed. i like being alone but i also don't know if i should be. but being with lots of people is fun but it completely drains me. let's see what tomorrow brings.